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| How was I so sure? Silly me. I'm confused and doubtful. Was it suppose to be like this?
Hope my eyes would go back to normal. Having them swollen is t i r i n g. | | |
| There's so much to hate. Is there any to love?
I feel so dejected lately. Hormones? I don't know. But it's too much when this is frequently happening. Too much to blame hormones. Happiness is temporary but I look around and I don't think anybody is like me.
I just want it to stop, you know? All these thoughts are making me tired. It's like I'm in a quicksand. I'm only alive because for some short moment, I know how to relax and breathe. Nevertheless, still in the quicksand. I want to break the cycle. I want closure, not just run and end up with the same shit again. It has to end. But I cannot, I must emphasize again, cannot seem to love myself.
I abuse myself too much. I care what others think too much. For once, I want to feel good. Wear my usual clothes and not feel inferior. I want to be able to wear what I find really nice on me and not be afraid of what people say, which I really do fear, even if it's good. Call me weird, but I have this phobia of being compliment when I (think) I dress nicer than usual. Whenever I think of that kind of scenario, I'll just eearrghk. *Sigh*
When I hate myself, everything else is wrong. I just need to be me and people know that is me.
Wished someone could sing me "Stranger" by Secondhand Serenade and mean it. That would help. | | |
| Sometimes, I wonder whether you still hurt having to be alone. Sometimes, I wonder whether you envy those who has companion. I wonder whether you secretly cry at night, whether you wished you had someone who would make you feel special. Sometimes, I wonder whether you want to drop and abandon all of these and whether you hoped you had a man to depend on.
Everytime I'm awake when you're preparing to leave for work, I would look at you and pray. Pray for your safety, health, happiness and longevity. And everytime you close the door, I would hope it wouldn't be my last.
Mom ♥,
I love you very much. Thank you so much for caring for me and loving me and providing me and many many more. You might not be perfect. You might not know everything. You might be timid. But you are so sweet and kind. You are so filial to grandma. You are so strong to have gone through whatever was in the past. I hope you are happy single, mom. I hope it does not make you sad anymore that you've been left. You deserved so much more than that(dad). It must be tough raising me especially since I am your only one... and this, I can never say to you. That I broke your heart and you cannot know and I am so so sorry. I am so sorry that I've disappointed you. I am so sorry that I've sinned to you. I am so sorry that I was never the best daughter I can be. I've always been able to tell you everything. You're like my bestfriend. And I wished I could tell you this one thing, mom... without breaking your heart and fearing what it's going to be when I do. But that'll never be the case. I am so sorry is all I can say, and all that I can be.
Even if it's not enough.
Ya Allah, I know I can never mend my mistakes, or repay her deeds. But please grant me the blessing to be a filial child towards her. Please give me guidance to light up her world. Please offer me your help to support her. Please please please, embrace me in Your path so I can not only help myself, but her too. Ameen. | | |
| Life feels too much sometimes, I keep drowning.
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| These times are hard
They're making us crazy
Don't give up on me baby
Read everything again. Memories... I miss those times. I'm scared you'll we'll forget. I'm scared we'll drift apart. I'm hard. Situations are hard. You used to write them and they always made me better. I have to try to make you happy again. I don't remember how I made you happy but I'm gonna figure it out. Whatever it takes.
I just hope you don't ever stop.
Doesn't matter what we do or where we are, as long as we are together. | | |
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